Reflective Surfaces

Old Dogs Keep Learning

"I'm done with traditional medicine," my father announced at dinner. "There's nothing they can do for me."

As my father will soon be 87, it wasn't necessary to say that traditional medicine hasn't done too badly for him up to now.  But I got his point.  Because I knew that what he has been hearing directly and between the lines from doctors and others is,  "what do you expect?  You are 86."  What my dad expects, however, is not to be satisfied with survival.  What matters to him, and undoubtedly to most octogenarians, is quality of life.  He is not asking to live forever, only that if it is possible to have more energy, be capable and independent and do those things that matter to him,  that he be given encouragement and whatever aids that goal.

This skeptical attitude has evolved over time, partly, I suppose, because his doctors got younger and younger. And partly because his generation, raised to venerate experts and authority, realized that those experts were somebody's children, just like their own, whom they knew for a fact to be quite fallible.

Dad has long been interested in alternative medicine, done much research and tried things, a case study of one.  He is pleased with what he has found,  and recently he has learned something new he would like to try,  "what if it would do as promised?"  Once again he is proactive in reaching for his health and well-being.  His mood for several days can be made by a good workout at the fitness center.

There's much to say about what I have learned from my father, a natural optimist, but this late life lesson is huge to me.  He has ever been a man of action, no procrastination.  He starts habits, stops habits, whatever he comes to decide is the best course of action.  He shows up in his life, and has that trait of courage--- persistence--- in measures I long for.  Is he at all set in his ways?  Sure, just try cutting an onion or tomato in front of him, or taking out the garbage.  He has many instructions.  But this openness to the new, and the willingness to dig for information even if initially skeptical, is an example I value. 

One of the first things he taught me was "never assume."  This was learned the hard way, trying to excuse my way out of faulty judgments or actions.  But, ah, yes,  "never assume."  Find out, know your stuff, take the time to be thorough, and take responsibility, it's your life.  Trust yourself, take a leap, there's always something to be learned.

I expect I will give my doctors a hard time, too, if they try to get me to "settle."  It's my father's legacy to me.

The Ladder and the Web

This is not a trick question:
You are traveling with a companion of the opposite sex, and you lose your way.  Someone will suggest asking for directions.  This person is....

A.  Male
B.  Female

Odds are, that the person who asks is female, right?

Know why?  In essence:  a female does not feel  "one down" asking for information. Nor does she feel obligated to act on information she receives, FYI.

Visualize a ladder.  What images and words come to you, associated with ladder?

People in workshops on this topic have told me words like these:  up and down; straight; narrow;ascending; scary (might fall off); one- way; useful; tool;  steps; one at a time; strong; rigid; helpful; balancing....

What does it feel like to be on a ladder, in one's view of things, sense of self?

People have used these words:  focused; know how far I've come, how far to go; alone;  clear path; getting higher;  getting somewhere; feels better to be up, or in front of others climbing behind, but fearful if I fall I could take others down with me; only room for one on each step; independent; risk-taking; brave....

For life on the ladder, "Knowing" is what protects and helps, information is what one has to offer, and that is perceived to be a gift.  

Now, visualize a web.  What images and words come to you?  Are they like these words?

sticky; flexible; beautiful; fragile; strong; persistent; connected; trapped;  broken; spinning; catching; patterned; gathering; bouncing; creative; anchored...

What does it feel like, being in a web?

Connected; belonging; measuring from center; caught; working; creating; providing; vigilant; busy; caretaking; patient; persevering; supported ...

Connecting is what protects and helps,  and is the valuable gift when offered. 

Now...

Imagine that most men in our culture tend to have a "ladder" worldview, and experience the dynamics and energy of life as a ladder, i.e. life as hierarchical. Primary challenges are about how to ascend. Harmony is often derived from clarity about where one stands on the ladder, and what is needed to maintain or move upward.  Anxiety comes from not knowing, or being pushed out of place.

Imagine that most women have a "web" view of life, i.e. that life is a web of relationships that need to be created, maintained, watched over, and that harmony is best felt when all is well in the web.  Anxiety comes from feeling a lack of connection, or being too far on the periphery.

How do the ladder and the web relate to each other?

By acknowledging that each has a different experience, beginning early in life, and that each worldview has its benefits, contributions and costs.  No one  view is right or wrong. Gifts are different , but all are part of the same Whole.

Might this awareness offer increased freedom and appreciation to us all?

(This article is excerpted from my book Live in Harmony: Notes on Daily Peace.  Thanks are due to Tannen and Gilligan*, cited below)

*For more on this topic,  check out the seminal work done by Deborah Tannen, sociolinguist, e.g. You Just Don't Understand Me,  and Carol Gilligan's In a Different Voice

Wedding Stories

The doors open and the bride begins her processional on the arm of her father. I can see through her veil that she is smiling and crying and I am moved to my own tears. 

My tears have to do with gratitude and awe.  Gratitude for the love being expressed in this room, for the love that brought these two to this moment, for the affirmation provided to the gathered community by this act of marriage.  A glowing future spreads out before us ---all the holiday celebrations to come between these families now joined. Though, since splintered families sit together to hear the vows and promises of commitment, surely there are mixed feelings as well.  I see couples with 50, 65 years together, as well as ex-spouses trying to be civil and share joy.  I imagine inner regrets, grief, questions as well as gratitude.   The bottom line is that we are all here saying we believe in love and ever-after.  And we do, and we feel fresh and hopeful and stronger. No matter what was true in our lives two hours ago,  we are now in a comedy.

The tears continue off and on, not uncommon at weddings.  Our souls are warmed by the love we witness, by memories, and by gratitude that we belong here, sharing this moment. We are reminded of other weddings, and of the missing faces and their stories.  We all now have new stories, stories of this celebration-- what it was like to be bridesmaid for the first time, the mix-ups by the wedding planners, the graciousness of strangers now become family, laughter at those little things that make this wedding authentic and absolutely unique.

As a psychologist,  I am amazed over and over that people are so willing to love.  Hearts broken in all kinds of ways nonetheless are willing to open up and love again, or love fiercely in the face of troubled relationships, disabilities, setbacks, fatigue and despair.  It is such a courageous, resilient drive we have. 

The human heart is a great wonder and mystery.  Is this the way that we come closest to being the Image of the Divine?

When No Means Yes

It is a hot, sticky August night, and I know I will have to wet my hair to get cool enough to fall asleep.  I am sitting on the porch of a rustic cabin with an angry teenager. Earlier, I had spoken briefly with my best friend of twenty years, who is being admitted tonight to the hospital to get treatment for recently diagnosed cancer.

Just now, I am "intervening".  This is the kind of thing I do all the time, but in this case I am a volunteer, helping out with a grief recovery wilderness camp.  In neutral tones and repetitive brief statements, I lay out the alternatives to the sullen, argumentative teen who has been disrupting the program.

And I am thinking, "What am I doing here?  I should be at the hospital!"  Although I don't know it, my friend has only a week to live.

Eventually the teen chooses, by default, to go home, and I stay up waiting for her ride.  She is calmer now, we speak of other things.  Watching the taillights of her mother's car recede,  I have an epiphany.  In a flash I see a lifetime of choices that too often separated me from friends and family.

Is it hard or easy for you to say "no" ? What ---or who---are you most likely to say "no" to and who or what gets your "yes"?  Which choices of how to spend time and energy are hardest to make?

Sometimes, the hardest choice is between two good things.  Sometimes,  it is between different people we care about that we must choose our "yes" and "no". 

Each "no" inherently holds a "yes."  When we say "no" to a commitment, task or activity,  to what might we be saying "yes"?

To begin with, a certain amount of time and energy belongs to us again,  to be redistributed in a different way.

Saying "yes" to  projects and activities splinters time into fragments,  more and more as we say "yes" to more.

I used to say "yes" to nearly every opportunity that was  the least bit attractive--- opportunities to lead, serve, explore, learn, teach.  I fractured myself into bits because I couldn't see that saying "no" really meant saying "yes" to something I valued.  My ego was served by all the opportunities to do something new, different.  In retrospect, I don't deny the value of those.  I learned a lot, met a lot of people, probably did some good in the world.  But I regret not being able to accept my own limitations as I ran as fast as could, year after year.  Everything was kind of blurry as I sped by.  Much that could have nourished my soul was deferred as I focused on being productive and engaged in many good things.

Some of this is developmentally typical, at least in our culture.   Many folk engage in lots of volunteerism in their 30's and 40's, in order to gain a presence in the community and begin to give back, after getting their lives otherwise established.  This is by and large a good thing for society.  Giving back to our communities, or to those we don't know or will never meet or never see again, is both a privilege and responsibility to the world outside our narrow pathways.

I am not saying the balancing act is easy.

But in reflection that August night years ago,  I thought,  "does it have to be me, sitting here, this night? On this night, where am I uniquely needed to be, i.e. that place in my journey where I most belong, right now?"  Maybe that question is not always the best criteria, but  it is a starting place, in keeping the balance.

What I faced, sweating on that porch, was the pain of looking at the relationships of my life, and recognizing when I had been present and when I had been absent. It was not an easy reflection.  But it was the start of transformation.

Are you busy, over-committed, overwhelmed? Do you meet yourself coming and going, pass your closest family and friends on the way out the door?  Is it seductive to feel busy, important, involved, engaged,entertained, efficient, please others?

When you say "no", what are you saying "yes" to?  Could  your "no" be a resounding "yes" to feeling more alive, focused, healthy, whole, available to important relationships, noticing what's important, nourishing your soul?

The best thing we have to offer is our careful, focused attention.  Who or what do you want to pay attention to?

Crazy or In Love?

I stepped back from the painting with dismay.  I had gone on painting as the light faded and colors on the palette had become indistinguishable, but that wasn't the source of my dismay. No, it arose from sudden recognition that the composition was ill-conceived, apparent only now that the canvas was full of paint. I was annoyed I hadn’t understood this earlier. What was I thinking? Contentedly applying paint, expecting good things to emerge, I had missed the “big picture”. Ah, the metaphors that  present themselves as we move through our days.

So I walked away, dissatisfied, disappointed, frustrated, looking for an escape from all those feelings.

For me, engaging in art- making or writing is like falling in love. And when it’s not going well, it’s kind of yucky and lonely.

Distracted, disheveled, not eating or sleeping. Disorganized, forgetful, not listening. Messy, irresponsible, moody----have you heard creative people described in these ways? Odds are that you have, since this constellation of behaviors is part of a common stereotype, e.g. the “artistic temperament.” What if there is truth to the behaviors described, but not because of personality so much as the creative process itself?

Have you noticed how often these same adjectives are used in literature and casual conversation to describe someone in love?

When I am working on a project that fully engages me, it is infatuation. I lose track of time, forget to eat and sleep. I am constantly pre-occupied. If I am writing, then the words are always coming, always, while  I drive to work, vacuum or wash dishes. It is like living in a different reality. I want to be with the project, I fall asleep thinking of it, wake up wanting to be with it. I yearn for its company when I am away. I dream about it at night. As situations arise, I capably focus on the people and needs in front of me, but I am livelier, glowing a little, because of my new love.

Remember what it’s like to be in love, especially that early infatuation phase? We think about the person we love, long to be together, think about what we will say when we next meet, guard our time jealously, close out the rest of the world, and when apart, savor memories of our time together.       ( continued)

Guess what? Great news!

Imagine that you have some good news that you want to share. Who comes to mind that you want to tell immediately?  Who do you joyfully anticipate seeing so you can tell the news? Who would you delay sharing it with?  Why do you think you delay? 

Many relationships are made stronger, deeper, more satisfying,  by the way in which good news is shared.

Shelly Gable, Ph.D., associate professor of social psychology at the University of Santa Barbara, is doing innovative research on relationships.  One aspect explored: what happens when people tell good news?  Dr. Gable reports that telling good news boosts overall mood and well-being, as we might expect----yet isn't it good to get confirmation for things we might easily overlook?  Another finding is that particular responses to the good news are far better than others.  In fact, she has found that the ways a relationship deals with positive events is a better predictor of the future of the relationship than how negative events are dealt with. The best response, briefly, is to be enthusiastic and supportive.

Isn't this useful, wise?  It rings of intuitive truth, when we stop and think about our own experiences---both in giving and receiving good news.  The research has so far focused on stable individuals and relationships, finding out what works. Best part of all this?  There's every indication that giving good responses to good news is a skill that can be increased, taught and learned with practice and attention.

So think about a situation with a spouse, a significant other, a good friend, a parent, a young adult child.  This person, dear to you, comes to you with good news.  What is the best response to give?  First of all, it is not to point out the downside or potential pitfalls, just to be sure he or she will be sure to be aware,  notice such things. Ah, this is tempting to do sometimes, isn't it?  But there is time for such discussions later, if need be.  In the moment, what is important is the deep attention to this beloved person, to be engaged, focused, getting the whole story, matching energy and to celebrate. To be supportive, delighted, pleased---but most of all, in the present and truly "with" the other. These are actions that build closeness, and potentially bring out the best in ourselves and others.

Harmony

My friend Julia gave me this green stone with the word “Harmony” engraved on it.

Harmony. When all the parts of myself relax together in contentment and wholehearted focus on the present, on whatever is in front of me.

But harmony, peaceful unity of rhythm and pattern, is also something I like to feel in a group, in relationship. I like the feeling of “singing in tune with”, of dancing together, of laughing all at once, caught by surprise. I like the nodding in agreement, the mixing of sentence fragments in dialogue, or oft-repeated stories we savor.

My family gatherings would sound cacophonous to some, but I hear the harmonies under the volume, the timbre and waver of older voices, the fresh, endearing inflections of the young, the cracking sounds of change in teenage boys. I hear passion and confidence, questions and opinions, teasing and bids for attention, the myth-making out of an ordinary event. Conversations in the kitchen flow out the connecting door to the dining room, joining another thread that winds around the corner into the living room, then flows up again to the breakfast table.

Sometimes I physically follow these melodies, adding my notes to the mix. Sometimes I simply listen to the harmony, look at the faces. This is the energy we shore up, store up, so that we give out of surplus. This is the energy we name “us.”